Happy New Year or Whatevah...

I'd cry for you... I'd pop for you... I'd break for you... And hate for you... And I'll hate you too If you want me too...

- Queen Erykah Badu (Out My Mind, Just In Time)

Welp, this is AWKWARD!

Lol. Heyyyy Big Head, I've missed you! No, seriously, I can explain... I know I kind of ghosted you, but I'm back, and I'm ready to go steady. I realize that we haven't mingled since last year, and even then, I only posted twice; However, I can assure you that my "sabbatical" was necessary (we'll talk more about that later). Now that I have addressed the elephant in the room, let's jump right into what I really came here to talk about:

HEARTBREAK

(Or rather, the lessons it taught me):

So, Storytime...

I dated this guy for about six months (imagine that ---- me actually dating someone! lol.) Of course, we experienced the typical hiccups people have when getting to know someone new. But, hiccups and all, the space we shared was intimate, safe, it was fun, and it was BEAUTIFUL. I loved it there, and I love and appreciate him for giving me something to miss (in addition to elevating my dating standard)! Because of him, I have experienced what is possible, and I refuse to settle for anything less. We had no official title, and he was not promising me "forever," but our future (as potential partners) looked---- well, promising! Ooookkayy, I'm sorry, I HAD to do it. Anyway, I have to stop and tell you how beautiful this man is... Not just in physical appearance but character, presence, and personality. He is so different from my typical gregarious guy, but he's just as charismatic as any of them. I could go on and on because I still think very highly of him; however, I won't hold you with that today. Lol.

I guess you may be wondering why we're not together--- relax; I'm getting there. Well, one (seemingly random) day, I received the following text (abbreviated for context):

"I have news... I officially have a gf."

*Insert me freaking the heck out*

"I wasn't leading you to believe that we were working toward a future... At least I wasn't trying to."

Whewwww! Y'all know I was in shambles, right? I WAS TRIGGERRED, okay?! I can normally keep myself together in tough situations, but this was different. I know I sometimes don't pick up on social cues, but I really thought he was playing a joke on me at first. I had JUST seen him a few days before this conversation! To that, he countered that while we had a good time the last time we were together, [I] didn't think [he] was going to be out here playing forever, did [I]? I couldn't believe it! He had absolutely NO intentions of even entertaining the thought of a future with me?! Like, NONE?! Then, as I was trying to recover from this blow, some other things occurred that threatened to push me even further over the edge. I mean, was this confirmation of my unworthiness? Did I do something wrong? Why wasn't I enough? Why was this happening to me AGAIN?! One thing was obvious: Because I was triggered, I knew that "this" was my stuff, not his. The grace that I have for him is that he handled it the best way he could. I had to do the rest.

As I began to face my grief and focus on my healing, some things became evident to me:

1. Even with a broken heart, I must make a conscious decision to be Christ-like---- not just in action but in thought and mindset. I was reminded of how Jesus must've felt on the cross. It was painful, humiliating, scary, but most of all, IT WAS NECESSARY! Sometimes relationships must be crucified---- sacrificed to come into alignment with God's perfect will. When emotions are high, people may nail our character to the cross, our name may be slandered, and even our best intentions may be ridiculed or picked at. We may even be tempted to villainize people because they didn't do what we wanted them to do. However, it is important to remember that things are always working out for us. Life is always happening for us, not to us.

2. No one wants to be the "bad guy,” but accountability is necessary. As I reflect on this and other very (very) similar experiences I have had, I realize that people will say ANYTHING to justify the decisions they make and the way they choose to move. My responsibility is to own my truth and make peace with the other person's narrative. I also must remember to look within because everything around me reflects how I feel about myself. Can I really be mad at him for choosing someone else when I consistently fail to choose myself?

3. On the flip side of every down is up. I don't have to be afraid of my tears because on the other side of those tears is a smile so bright that even the darkest of places can't consume it. I prayed consistently and watched as God turned my mourning into peace and my grief into gratitude. This man is great, and he left a great void when he walked away; however, I had to remind myself that I serve a God who can add the "er" to whatever good thing I think I have. He can and will take my “great” and upsize it to “greater.”

4. It was unloving for me to hold him hostage in my trauma and fear. If I'm honest, I was terrified of the thought that I'd never get this part of my life right. He was my proof that I was valued, valuable, and worthy of love. He was the physical manifestation of my hope that a man of high value would cherish me. I needed him to speak to my doubt, to prove my limiting beliefs wrong. I NEEDED him to find me worthy because I hold him in such high esteem. That wasn't fair, and I really owe him (and probably a few other men) an apology. I would have liked to have received his resignation with joy, excitement, and confidence, knowing that him leaving meant he'd found his person and that mine was on his way. I took it personally. I should not have. People have the right and responsibility to do what is best for them.

5. I needed to release the energy of not enoughness and the need for external validation. One of the hardest truths that I had to sit in was that no one was going to come to save me from my daddy wound(s). That is something that God and I will have to heal in our own way and in our own time. To be transparent, I wasted a lot of time and energy fearing the day he would choose someone else. It is a re-occurring theme because thoughts become things, and I have not healed the holes in my being that feed into the darkness of my limiting beliefs. Here's the thing, though, even if I never get the opportunity to know the steadiness of a consistent and committed partner, I'll be damned if I don't learn to show up for and love myself properly! I owe it to that little girl waiting for her daddy to choose her.

6. I must ALWAYS choose myself. I always expressed to “him” that I wanted to be where he chose to be and not someone he felt obligated to. I am aware that my value to others will likely be based on what they need and their perception of my ability to meet those needs (or desires). It will vary, and it will waiver, which is why I must be intentional about choosing myself. People who do not choose me cannot hold more value than my own being. Circumstances do not matter, nor do the preferences of people who don't prefer me. I have historically given people who don't choose me way too much power. If someone does not choose me, what does that have to do with me?! Nothing. Because there is nothing more important than the contract I have with myself. If I am not someone's preference, that's on them because I know who I am on an energetic level, and for that alone, I choose the hell out of me!

7. I am the love that I desire. This one is self-explanatory. The love I desire is not something I can find outside of myself. I have been learning to remove my ego's conditions on love. I no longer feel the urge to ration out my love and only share it when people do what I want them to do. I no longer feel limited to only loving myself when I have performed a task. I am learning to water dry places with grace and love people no matter where they choose to be. I do not have to be in a relationship with a person to love them. I do not have to be in possession of a person to see their beauty. Why? Because I am learning to see myself and others through God's eyes. I am tapped in and tuned to the frequency of uninterrupted love.

Life can take some unexpected turns, but what is yours will always find you if you give it time and opportunity. My offering to you is that you show yourself some grace as you encounter the peaks and valleys of life. We all have our traumas to heal and processes to undergo. Do not allow anyone to rush you through it. I know my family was sick of me moping over the loss of this man, but this was my process. I needed to feel it and dig into it to put this lesson to rest. I am doing my work and unpacking my stuff. It is messy and sometimes overwhelming, but absolutely worth it.

What area(s) in your life do you know or suspect needs healing?