Becoming Love

I AM NOT BAD! I'm just broken.

Painful words numbly spoken.

Drunken thoughts, sober heart.

The toxicity of a fractured start:

Unplanned, unclear, unprepared for existence...

Youth's currency spent trying to create a distance;

between me and a truth that always lingers at the surface,

I'm attracted to pain, I hurt me on purpose.

Not consciously, of course, that would be sick...

But the truth is, every confirmation of unworthiness feels like a hit---

The high of being right about something so wrong.

The truth that I've been avoiding, the honesty that belongs:

It's me that struggles to love me the most;

And then I start to wonder "if there's no fire, why is there smoke?"

But under all of these layers of adipose, guilt, and shame,

lies an unhealed wound that oozes with pain;

Concealed with stitches of "I'm okay"...

Slowly dying every day...

Drowning in cc's of self-hate.

Wondering if this is simply my fate.

Illusions of what would make me worthy of true love.

Fearing that day will never come.

His kingdom come,

His will be done.

I just pray the rain stops before I meet the Sun.

And when Sonday comes,

I hope all will say,

"She was magnetic, she loved hard, and love is what she became"