A Heavy Issue
- Akeyria` Edwards
- May 9, 2019
- 5 min read
Updated: Jan 30, 2022
I have never heard anyone speak on the trauma that comes with the cycles of losing and gaining weight. I have never heard anyone talk about how insulting it is for people to give you unsolicited advice on how to "fix" your body. I have never heard anyone speak on how crushing it is for someone to casually suggest that you allow holes to be drilled into your flesh so the surgeon can insert foreign probes into you and reshape or rearrange your internal organs so you can essentially starve your body to the "right" weight (a.k.a Bariatric Surgery) . I HAVE NEVER heard anyone talk about what a slap in the face it is to start dieting before you ever had a weight "issue", only to later-in-life have someone casually suggest you "push back from the table" and/or eat more vegetables--- or for them to callously ask you "what have you been eating"?! Not to mention how insulting it is for someone to suggest you exercise (more) when you have been exercising like you're training for the Olympic games (only to plateau and start gaining again near the end of your training program). Imagine how daunting it is to realize you are gaining weight after months of limping out of the gym EVERY SINGLE WEEK!!! So, I Guess I'll say it---- It's BAD, and you are a certifiable butt-hole if you have never considered that fat people have feelings too! The truth is, you never know why someone is overweight or why their body has changed (or stayed the same). They could be (or could have been) depressed, stressed, had a miscarriage, have to take steroids for an autoimmune disease, or just lost themselves in whatever they have going on in their lives. Hell, they may just have inherited genetics that would give them the natural ability to survive a famine. I'm pretty sure that is a thing!
Confession:
I am at the heaviest I have EVER been in my life--- and I am less upset about it than everyone else is. Don't get me wrong, I want to lose this "extra" weight; but, I want to do it RIGHT. Not from a place of desperation, insecurity, or as a result of deprivation. Instead, I want this wellness journey to be rooted in a desire to be all that God has designed me to be--- mind, body, and spirit. I want to flourish from abundance instead of dwindling from deprivation. I mean, let's be honest, we all want to be "fine" right? But truthfully, at this phase of my life, the draw of being "fine" is just not enough. I've lived long enough to realize that:
A) Attractiveness is VERY subjective and...
B) The physical is VERY temporary...
I cringe thinking about how I was killing myself in the gym and obsessing over calories while watching my (naturally) slender friends and family enjoy their lives. One day I said, "if I died tomorrow, would it matter that today at lunch, I had salad dressing on my salad instead of oil and vinegar"? It also occurred to me that I was sleep depriving myself to go to the gym, when that's not even something I enjoy... and for what? It dawned on me that not wanting to live like that forever is not about willpower, it's about me not desiring to live a life that was not authentically mine. For decades I had been doing what everybody said I should be doing and STILL being questioned about my "lack" of physical changes.
No one ever has any sound (or free) advice on what to do if you eat as well as and are as active as the "average" person. So, for the record, I love vegetables (and other "healthy" food), I prefer seafood, and I don't binge. I love to dance and run around with my little ones, and at one point, I was killing the gym several times a week. Yet, here I am, back at the starting point of a health and wellness journey, heavier than ever. It's not anyone's business, but I thought I'd go ahead and say it. It is at this point, that I wholeheartedly acknowledge that being healthy is not about doing everything "right" and it damned sure isn't about a weight or clothing size. No, it's bigger than that (no pun intended).
So, when I contemplate this journey, I already know the physicality of it is not going to be enough to keep me engaged in this process. I want my body to TRUST me again. I want to look forward to my meals and physical activities. I want this journey to be less about losing and more about what I will gain. This journey is about being strong and energized enough to actively participate in life. It is about removing limitations and refusing to be hindered by lack of wellness. And so, the journey begins (again)--- not from a place of obligation to decrease my body's accumulated mass or to attain a certain look, but from a place of love, light, and a desire to gain access to MY best life! It has taken me a quarter of a lifetime to understand how you can love yourself now and still invest in your "later", but this time, the journey cannot be about what is to come "later". I get that now, but y'all still pray for me, hear?! My body will probably change, and that's cool, but I WILL NOT attach to that as an outcome. It is because I am learning to authentically and unapologetically love myself that I am even able to entertain putting in the work (again).
My intention at this point is to learn to listen to my body and to give it what it needs. On an instinctual level, I believe our bodies KNOW--- and sometimes what it needs it isn't confined within 1200 calories or 3 personal training sessions a week... All I ask is that I'm allotted the same amount of space and level of respect to figure out my body as an underweight or "average" weight person is given when their body changes. The truth is, my diet is not as exciting as you would think, my appetite is not as big as you would assume, and my physical endurance may be better than yours. My body does AMAZING things EVERYDAY (including making me the queen of the "one trip rule"), and your downward comparisons and mindless judgments will not make me value or respect it any less. Do I have goals? Yes, but they are not your business or concern to keep up with. I've been dieting and defying the laws of physics my whole life. Let me enjoy my fluffy season while it lasts! Sheesh! At my own discretion, I will integrate changes into my way of life and routine. If that causes changes in my physicality (and it probably will), cool! But in learning to truly love myself, I must submit to loving myself in ALL forms. I wish I could say I was sorry, but I'm not! Hello fluffy season!
P.S. Shout out to Ayesha and Meghan (Duchess of Sussex) for their candid glimpse into the changes that women go through physically, mentally, and emotionally. In the age of “The Snap Back" and 24/7/365, in and out of season "Bad B****es", I salute you and the few other famous women who have been bold enough to speak and/ or display their truth--- raw and unedited.
I'd love to hear your thoughts!